Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard,
And called him up on the dog and bone,
And when he got there, she gave him a stare,
And bashed his brains out with a stone.
"That'll teach 'im" Mother Hubbard, as she was still known, said.
"Yes, but Mom, he can't pay the debt now." Said Big Bill
"The debt stands"
"But Mom, he's dead!"
"The debt stands, he's got a family ain't 'e? And it will encourage the others to pay their debts in future"
"We can hardly turn up at the will reading and say 'oh by the way there's this debt, nothing in writing, for his last two bags of fairy dust' can we?"
"Did I give birth to a fuckin' stupid dickhead or did you practice to get this good? Go and see his grieving widow. Tell 'er that in the light of the unfortunate events she has two more weeks to find the dough; but she owes the money!"
"And if she calls the cops?"
"Friggin' 'ell, do I have to think of everything? Remind 'er she has a pretty little daugh'er. Hansel would pay good for 'er I reckon"
"Well" her second son, Middle Bill, interjected
"Hansel would pay well for her"
He flinched as her hand hit his face "You cheeky little bleeder. I sent you to that fucking Troll school, paid a fortune for it, and you come back telling me me grammar ain't no good?"
He thought of correcting her last sentence, but his cheek was still on fire, so he backed away and said nothing. She had a strong right hook for a 60 year old. She rounded on her first son again. "You still 'ere? Take gobshite with you and go see 'er NOW!"
The two elder sons edged out, irritated. They were really good muscle; trouble was they had muscles everywhere, including where their brains should be.
She was actually a good, loving mother; but business is business and if they were ever going to take over the fairy dust business they had to learn not to be an easy touch for any sob story. A movement in the shadows, then he stepped out, Little WIlliam Goatsgruff was good, he got an 'A+' for sidling at Troll school. He was a natural. Also he seemed to get the business better than the other two. But Big and Middle would lose it if Little was made the Nanny Di Nanny. "Got some news Mother"
"For gods sake, call me Mom will yer? Mother sounds like the Queen or sommat. What is it?"
"You won't like it." He paused, more for effect than from worry about what she would think, he was tougher on the inside than the outside, unlike the other two. "Seems that Hansel may be trying to muscle in on our territory"
"You fuckin' what?"
"I said –"
"I HEARD YOU! What do you mean?"
"I was over there. Heard a rumour"
"You were at Sweet House again? You'll wear it out. Fucking Gretel again?"
"I like her"
"NO! Goatsgruff don't get involved with mere woodcutters, I told you"
"Well, she's useful; she told me Hansel has been offering customer free trials of Yew berry and Amanita punch. Once he's perfected it, he's going to dry it for snigffing. And " he smoothly and switched to her own accent "since this ain't friggin business, I'll fuck and like any fuckin' person I want yeah?"
She laughed and patted his cheek "Okay. But we're the only snigffing supplier here. We had an agreement with the old witch, she does the child porn, we do the fairy dust"
"I know Mom, but he's not the old witch, he's ambitious, and fairy dust is addictive. He reckons his snigffing won't be. No more sprouting little wings and glowing in the dark. No more –"
"Okay, okay, shut your trap and let me fink!"
.... There is more of this story ...