Chapter 1

I felt an incredible pain all over my body as I awoke, thinking to myself that this was the hangover from Hell. I didn't know just how accurate that statement was, however, until I noticed the heat all around me and smelled the Sulphur smell ... and then heard the screams of agony from everywhere, in every direction. I looked around and saw people being tortured, left and right, for all directions as far as the eye could see, but then it became pitch-black, as if I were allowed a brief glimpse before going blind.

Then I felt scratches on my body, all over my flesh, as claws grabbed me and tried to rip me apart, before I thought that I wanted them off me, and a strong, hot wind just blew them away. The odd thing was that I wasn't even slightly terrified, that entire time, just annoyed, and whatever the fiends had in mind, they were enough frightened of me to back off. Then I noticed that a light seemed to emanate from my body, reaching the farthest, darkest caves of what was obviously Hell. There was no doubt in mind as to that now. I was in Hell, but I didn't begin to understand why.

"Excuse me, Lord, but perhaps we can get going now? I know that this is all new to you, seeing as you were just on Earth, but we're on a tight schedule, and with the Master dead and gone ... we badly need a new Prince," a demonic voice addressed me out of the blue ... or was that the pitch-black.

"Lord? I thought that I was one of the damned for a moment," I reacted.

"You are, Sir, but so is anyone in Hell ... but there are the Damned and then there are us ... you know, the Devils," the voice explained, as if reminding me of something that I already knew, and had somehow forgotten.

"I'm a Devil? I thought that I was mortal. Five minutes ago, I was just having a drunken argument with Becky. Now I'm in Hell and being told that I'm not really human. What a weird-ass day!" I laughed, my voice sounding more malevolently than expected.

"Oh ... yeah, that. Look, Master, I'll explain as we get there, but we ready need to get moving, Sir," the demon continued as we kept moving.

"Okay, but where are we heading?" I demanded.

"Sorry, but I forget that you've been living as a human for so long that this is kind of confusing to you. Look, Boss, it's simple ... you're going to be crowned the new Prince of Darkness, Master of all Evil, and Lord of Hell. Our new King, here in the Outer Darkness of perdition, if you will. We're headed for the Infernal Palace, Sire, for your coronation and enthronement," the demon hurried me along.

"So, how did I land this job?" I naturally inquired as we got closer, the screams of the tormented still piercing my ears.

"You're kidding, right, Lord Asmodeus? Your exile ... banishment to Earth is over. With Satan gone, someone had to fill in. The Council of All Hell decided upon you, even if that means that they have some sucking up to do, given how much Lilith and the others kind of kicked you when you were up, so to speak. Look, they're groveling, but it was really necessary. It would have been civil war here in Hell if Lilith and Azrael had tried to seize power. They've both been so far up Lucifer's ass that both of them have equally good connections and strong factions, but your very absence from Hell meant that you don't belong to a faction and only you can unite Hell behind you. All of Hell's Host respects you as the one Devil who never kissed up to even Satan, of course," the fiend assured me as I reached the Palace.

"Well, we were all angels once, right? If I didn't kiss up to Jehovah, or His Son, why would I suck up to Lucifer?" I thought about it logically.

"Yeah, that's so you, Lord. Pretty much how you've always been. Except when you're boning a bitch, you're always level-headed. Then you turn into an animal, of course," the demon laughed, as did I.

"I was expelled from Heaven AND Hell, you say? Wow, I really made enemies, didn't I? What exactly happened to Satan, anyway?" I naturally inquired.

"Oh, that ... yeah, he kinda got a bit big for his hooves and decided to start the Apocalypse a little early. Well, his version definitely took Jehovah and Jesus by surprise, but he went off half-cocked and much of Hell didn't even know his plans when he turned all lone wolf on us. On the other hand, he did us all a favor, in that now Jehovah's dead and Jesus is fading fast, trying to recover in a hurry.

"I don't think that he's gonna make it, though. The Crucifixion wounds reopened with a vengeance and that means human blood tarnishing His celestial body. That's poison to God, you know, and apparently to His Son, too, since it bears the taint of sin. Satan figured out God's secret weakness and groped the sweetest seraphim in front of him to choke him with the sight and presence of sin.

"Looks like Michael's all set to take over there. Poor dumb jock. He's tough, but never was as bright as Lucifer, in more ways than one. He'll need to listen to Gabriel a bit, I suspect. Maybe a little of Raphael, too, if the guy isn't too busy staring at nudes. Someone's gotta tell that romantic fool someday that real women aren't statues," the fiend rambled on as we finally reached the throne room, where the Council awaited me, still in their chairs, to my chagrin ... maybe I had surprised them and caught them off-guard.

Taking a line from the 1970 British movie Cromwell, which I oddly enjoyed, despite my hatred of Jehovah and all that He represented, I quoted Alec Guinness as King Charles I, "Will you not rise, sirs, when your King approaches? Rise, sirs, or to your knees in shame!"