Chapter 16: False Promises

Chapter Cast:

Carrie Minberg, Female, 19
- Narrator, freshman / rising sophomore at Bitterwood
- Beige, freckled skin, 5'6, 145lbs, curly back-length dark-red or blue hair
Elise, Female, 19
- Freshman / rising sophomore at Bitterwood, Norwegian
- Pale golden skin, 5'10, 155lbs, shoulder-length light blonde hair
Lawton, Male, 20
- College freshman / rising sophomore at Texas Tech
- Beige skin, 5'11, 240lbs, unkempt neck-length brown hair

The two weeks apart from Elise was easier than I expected, most of it. Time flew by, even though I never heard from her the entire time. Mom was sad to know how short I was staying, but she made the most of it and took time off work to go to the beach and entertain me.

During the second week, my life took an unexpected turn. I spotted Lawton at the grocery store. He didn't see me, and I almost ran. I felt so stupid, like a child. Why would I avoid him? Why wouldn't I want to catch up with the young man I once loved so deeply. I tested my feelings, found myself stronger than I thought I was, and I approached him.

"Hi Lawton."

He turned slowly, stared at me, broke a small smile, "Carrie. So good to see you ... I've missed you." He hugged me and before I knew it, his lips were on mine. I let him kiss me, didn't pull back, it felt so natural to just sink into his arms and let him consume me.

Lawton was the one that broke our kiss, smiling. "How have you been, Sweetie? Been months since you've so much as sent me a letter. Make friends over there?"

I took a step back, not yet considering the weight of our kiss, told him some of the highlights, skipped over the sexual details, and got the same from him.

Then it got awkward when I asked him, "any girlfriends? Any fun while you were at Tech?"

He looked confused a moment, said, "I ... I waited for you ... so ... no..."

I was stunned, hadn't expected that, hated that I'd never thought he believed I'd come back to him just like that, nothing changed. "Lawton ... I..."

"What ... what is it? You have a boyfriend? That it?" He wasn't angry, but I knew he was hurt already.

"No, no ... not like that ... I ... I didn't expect you to wait for me ... that's all..."

"Oh." He was sullen, an emotion that was new on his face. I missed his smile already, and I felt badly for causing him to feel low. He said quietly, "I ... well, I didn't know if ... if you'd want to ... be with me ... again ... So, I didn't want to hurt it by ... by being with someone else. I hoped that would matter."

I wanted to scream at him, then, angry. The implicit slut-shaming, that someone, male or female, who was sexual was any less desirable than someone who 'waited.' I hated that sentiment, and I suppose a part of me felt long-lost pangs of shame for being sexually active and liking it. I thought I'd gotten rid of that at Bitterwood, but the shivers of guilt weren't buried so deep after all.

Instead I said nothing a moment, tried to collect my thoughts. A very small voice was all I managed, "well ... you didn't have to ... I wanted you to be happy..."

"I'm happy when I'm with you, Carrie. I thought you knew that."

"Lawton..."

He walked away and I did my best not to cry. I felt horrible. I'd crushed him. He knew only in that moment there was no second chance for us. I left my basket in the aisle and left the store, only letting the tears slide down once I was home, drinking a bottle of wine with Mom.

I made it worse, much worse. Not intentionally, not at first. I wanted desperately to mend my friendship with Lawton. He'd been so important to me, still the only man that I've ever really loved, my first in many things, and my best friend during a time in my life that I really needed one. I had to make things better, to leave for Norway with him feeling better.

So I called his house. I got his mom who handed the phone to Lawton. He wasn't thrilled to hear from me. "What," he said in a flat voice.

"I ... Lawton, I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I'm still the person I was before, you know I'd never hurt you, not on purpose. I just want to talk, that be ok? Can we go to dinner? Just the two of us? Just talk?"

"I suppose ... time?" He was curt and that made me feel like I was pulling a stubborn donkey.

"Seven? I'll pick you up."

"Alright," and he hung up, left me with a mix of confusing thoughts.

The first hour at dinner was rough. He didn't look at me, sat slumped in his chair, sipped his soda and barely touched his pasta. He'd obviously expected that we'd get back together for the summer, at least, and I suppose my expression, my responses had made it clear that wouldn't happen.

I tried to make small talk, asked him about his classes, his grades, his parents, anything I could think of just to get him to speak to me. Most of his responses were short, uninterested, often cold.

I talked about going to Norway and Russia in a few days, and that made it worse. I stopped telling him all the fun things in my life. It was old habits that found me taking his hand and stroking it. I blame myself for staring into his eyes, trying to make him feel better, to know that I cared and didn't want him to hurt.

He read me completely wrong.

Lawton leaned over me and kissed my lips. Again, I gave in, sank into his kiss, ignored the screaming red flags. His arms wrapped around me, he said, "I need you, Carrie. Please ... even just tonight ... just tonight ... Please..."

I had no strength to argue. I know I wanted him, wanted to make him feel good, to give him the night that he needed to let me go, finally. I didn't think about cheating on Elise, the promise I'd made to her, didn't think about my STD, didn't care that I was just compounding the problem Lawton was facing in his mind.

No strength, and half-an-hour later Lawton was inside me, no condom, after spending twenty minutes licking my puss. I came, twice, couldn't help it. All the wonderful touches he'd had for me those months ago were still there, his tender lips, his careful, slow-building movements.

Lawton kissed me as he fucked me. I couldn't think about anything but the pleasure he gave me. That I gave him. He looked happy fucking me, and when he bellowed and filled me with his cum, I shuddered into an orgasm, pulled him into my body, and held him tight for a long time.

I fucked up. Horribly. I'd cheated on Elise, I'd given my body, my false promise, to my ex-lover, a man that deserved better. We laid together, my head on his shoulder, his arm around me, gently fondling my breasts. He had a satisfied smile on his face, sometimes kissing my forehead.

I felt terrible but I didn't show it. Elise, Lawton, promises, false and true. They shattered my comfortable life and left me in a state where I didn't know what to do.

So for that night, I stayed with Lawton. I couldn't make him hurt again. I'd have to, in order to leave. I couldn't let him think we would be together for more than one night. That's what he'd said, right? 'Just tonight?' I knew that the way my body had shuddered under him, the way I touched his chest, the way I let him hold me, said I'd agreed to much more than 'just tonight.'

He fucked me again, waking me in the dark to slide into my pussy from behind. I let him, didn't resist, but couldn't bring myself to enjoy it. I just let him hump me awhile, wishing it would end quickly.

It didn't, and he wanted more. "Can I put it in your ass?"

I nodded, just a small down and up, no words on my lips. He seemed to see my movement and spread his saliva over my anus before probing my backdoor with his finger. I was numb, my body barely registering his movements in my ass, my emotions splattered and scattered to the far corners of my mind. I felt his penis move against me then, stretching my hole wide as he slid inside.

I felt uncomfortable in so many ways that I hurt emotionally and physically. My ass was sore after a few minutes of Lawton fucking it, and my mind was fighting over how to make everything with Lawton stop cold. I hated to hurt him, but I'd made things so bad by fucking him that night, I saw no way to avoid it.

Lawton grunted, whispered, "oh, Carrie ... oh..." and came in my ass.

I fell asleep at some point, and woke before he did. I tried to dress and leave quietly, but he stirred and smiled, said, "good morning, Sweetheart. Sleep ok?"

I nodded, numb, scared of what I'd done. He asked, "breakfast?" I shook my head, mumbled something about needing to do some things that day. I tried to walk out the front door quickly, but he took my arm and pulled me to him. When his lips met mine, I had nothing left to resist him.

Lawton looked at me, holding me, "see you again before you leave?"

I mumbled, "I dunno ... lot to do ... three days off."

He looked disappointed but his smile returned, said softly, "I'll wait for you, Carrie. Always. I'll be here when you get back."

I felt so sad for him in that moment. I wanted to tell him not to wait, to go sow his oats, to find someone else to love his gentle fingers. I loved him, it's true, I did. I loved him and I hated to hurt him. I let him believe what he wanted. "Do what makes you feel good, Lawton. Do what makes you feel good."