Gentlemen, and Lady, good morning. Following the success of the German Holocaust theme park it seems perhaps the world is ready for more experimental and imaginative themes for adventure parks; and it is with this in mind that I am looking to offer to yourselves the opportunity to invest in a new concept in US themed ride experiences. I propose to build an adult theme park for the discerning but broad minded visitor. When I say 'adult' theme park I mean to say that it would be geared towards adult interests rather than the somewhat child-like variety of rides found at DisneyWorld for example. This is not to decry those parks, which have been hugely successful in the past, but the steady falling off of visitor numbers, combined with the success of Japan's Tsunami World, Northern Ireland's Trouble Terror Park, and now the massive interest in Germany's HolocaustThemenParkExperienzenFun (excuse my poor German pronunciation) – [pause for polite laughter]; as I say all this combines to convince me that the time has come for the USA – the greatest theme park builder in history – to take up the challenge and provide a theme park that is geared to peoples adult interests. There would be an educational aspect to much of the rides as well, and it is with this in mind that I would not propose a minimum age. We know that many mature young teenagers are engaging in sexual activity long before the official age of consent, I would argue that we are simply reflecting the changes happening in society in allowing all and sundry to come. After all if parents bring their young children it is entirely likely that uninformed children will simply regard the rides as just that – just rides. Older teenagers will be more aware of the sexual content of the rides and theme park and it will of course be up to parents to decide if they should attend. I would strongly suggest that at least some of the marketing information indicates the educational nature of some elements of the theme park, pointing out that young people, well actually ALL people learn better when they are having fun. This will be the most fun you can have with your clothes on (though some areas that will be optional).
A small survey of 19 schools within the Washington catchment area indicated that this would be considered a suitable end of year school trip for 13 year olds and upwards, particularly considering the important safe sex message that some of the rides will convey.
We are on the cusp of a whole new world. With the Supreme Court accepting that sex in the street is part of the right of freedom of speech, we have a landmark ruling which sets us up as the model for a new open Western Society. We Americans are the thought leaders here and it is therefore precisely the right time to build this park. We cannot allow the French or worse, The Canadians, to beat us to this idea.
I have taken an option on some land in a perfect position just outside the heritage triangle near Jamestown. The demographic and population surveys indicate that this area will enable us to receive upwards of 500,000 visitors a year in our first full year of opening, and an estimated 30% revisits per annum – you can find the detail in the appendix of your welcome packs.
I hope you are as excited at the prospect as I am.
Now, if the lights can be dimmed ... thank you, I will present you with artist's impressions of the rides we have already come up with.
Yes, here we have the park entrance. This video gives an impression of the arrival. The car parks will be a significant distance from the park to enable the park landscape to avoid disruption from the massive flat car park. We intend to run themed CondomBusses from Jamestown and Williamsburg to enable people to park once and enjoy this new addition to the heritage of the area. If parking in the car park, the Penis monorail will smoothly slide people down the narrow 'valley of delights' – as you can see this is a manmade narrow grass valley, merging in to bushes as we get nearer the entrance. The symbolism will not be lost on the discerning customer when the find themselves disgorged at the large red entrance tunnel. The CondomBusses will arrive at a separate entrance to the rear, surrounded by roses bushes, ah yes, there you see it. We plan to allow joint tickets with the other local attractions, so the entrance here can be smaller and tighter to conserve space. Hopefully either entrance will already be getting people in the mood for the pleasurable visit to come.
The rides we are already in advanced design stage with are : (do we have the next slide please, thank you)
The Ejaculator – The ride car starts in a dark chamber and swirls around nearly hitting other cars and walls (which appear through the gloom). An element of randomness is built in so that some rides are long and some short; in this way each ride is different. Eventually the car begins to proceed up a corridor with regular bumps and 'steam' building up around. Noises indicate that the pleasure zones are being stimulate with increasing vigour. Red pipes glow more and more brilliantly as the car proceeds until, bursting through dark drapes, the car proceeds in an arc ending in near vertical drop precipitously down a track to the bottom into a pool of water. The educational elements here are obvious so I will only briefly point out how we are encouraging young men to ejaculate in the bathroom rather than in their beds with the resultant stains and smell.
The Egg – a gentle ride. Two queues join alternate starting points with the cars curving round a soft, spongy tube of low pink-lit pulsating walls, the cars enter a large dark chamber from opposite sides and float across a lake populated with wriggly white animatronic sperms (the UV lighting makes the sperms light up when they come to the surface, creating an impression of light flashing around the cars. These will actually be genetically modified eels to glow, trained to regard the egg-cars as sources of food so they will be drawn to them. Sometimes (but not always) a sperm (eel) touches a car and it lights up green (I know, not biologically accurate, but we don't claim all the rides will be strictly related to the facts). The cars find themselves drawn towards the exit where the watery lake turns red (underlit through the water) and they flow out of a simulated vagina into a toilet bowl. The walls of the bowl constantly splash with water that 'washes' the car down the drain to the finish.
Yes? A question? Oh yes, we have thought about that, possibly information booths where visitors can get detailed, accurate advice on a range of sexual subjects. Sorry? Oh, yes, there would be leaflets too, but we expect a significant proportion, 20% at least of the visitors, will realistically not have the reading abilities to cope with the kind of sex education leaflets often available. We think attractive young sex mentors may offer an unembarrassing route to such information. You think boys will approach the girls mentors with deliberately rude questions? Well that is something we will have to deal with if it occurs.
Sex – multiple occupancy car shaped into a long tube, this starts as a series of loosely coupled cars, flexibly sinuating round corners, then in front a large red slit in the wall of black skin appears. This triggers the cars to tighten the connections and the car becomes a single rigid object accelerating towards the slit. The slit is soft foam which the car pushes aside and we enter a dark warm world. Then we stop and begin to move backward a little then forward more. Since it is dark it isn't clear how far each movement is so this can be simulated by air jets. The walls become damp and spray a fine mist onto the riders, the jolts forward and back become more insistent until suddenly a roar and bright lights shock the riders. We may accompany this climax with a spray of hair gell to simulate the semen. As the car slides back out, the connections become less taught and the individual cars are once more flexibly attached.
Playboy Hall of Mirrors – this and the associate attraction below will be sponsored directly by the Playboy business empire. A hall of mirrors in the traditional sense simply offers a maze of mirrors with some providing distorted reflections of the observer. Here the visitor will find him/herself viewing themselves with playmates of the month superimposed beside them. These will change regularly of course. In some 'mirrors' the mirror will actually be a screen superimposing the man's or woman's head onto a naked torso of the appropriate sex (using SoftSex Gender © recognition systems). In a hilarious reverse of this the naked torso will occasionally be of the opposite sex. Whereas most will be torsos of 'A1' bodies, some will also follow the traditional distorted mirror options and present the body of an ugly great fu ... I mean a larger person. Pardon? Oh yes, again the software will distort by adding 5 stone to any image, so a large person will be amused to see themselves even larger. It is worth mentioning that the nature of the narrow pathways in a hall of mirrors tends to preclude excessively large people from entering. The final mirror will show the visitor standing naked behind the current playmate of the month while she bends over for him. If the visitor is a woman then she can be represented bending over instead with an unknown 'assailant' pleasuring her from behind. Yes, madam, we do envisage a certain amount of, shall we say bodily fluids?, on the glass of this image despite precautions. A cleaning team will be available at all times to keep the glass as pristine as possible.
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