Reviewed: 2012-05-09 - (Review Updated: 2012-05-09)
"So, Mr. Chemistry Teacher, what's the scientific reason for that gigantic expansion in the size of your penis?"
This quote, and many other related gems, can be found in "Teacher's Pest", by LargerThanTheAverageBear, and it surely affirms the "Erotica" categorization in the handy genre descriptor thingy.
TP is the second story by the author, and the first to be in the already-mentioned category. I struggle as I write this review: on one hand, I want to be very critical of the perceived flaws I found; on the other, I don't want to discourage the author from continuing to write. Were this a "paid" review service of some sort (for the masochists, I assume) with the intent of writing the best possible story for publication, I would skewer LTTAB over any number of items. It isn't, however, and I don't want to be That Guy who makes somebody cry because he decided to write a review for a story which he did not enjoy. Instead, I will try my best to focus on a few things from each side as opposed to dwelling entirely on the things that I did not care for. I hope that this disclaimer will enable the author, if my review is read by this person, to take my words as constructive, rather than destructive, criticism.
So where to begin? We have a main character who shares the name of a long-time humor columnist/author. Perhaps an intentional reference? It's hard to tell. I'll speculate that it was accidental, since the main character's jokes are of a very different style than the actual person's.
Dave Barry is a chemistry teacher at a high school where absolutely nothing goes wrong and nobody notices when he administers corporal punishment to the backside of a frumpy but gorgeous, genius Plot Dev...student. So few consequences occur from this wildly inappropriate action that he does it again. And again. And suddenly he's having sex with her at a Washington Nationals baseball game; not that anyone would notice since the stadium was probably empty -- ZING! Also, I may have skipped a chapter or two in that incredibly accurate summary.
The biggest problem that readers of this story will likely notice is that, despite being three full and fairly lengthy chapters, there are no real conflicts. I've cited this as an issue in other reviews I've written, and it is especially true here: no story longer than a flash or quick stroke can stand effectively without a plot that's more than "Insert Tab A Into Slot B; Repeat". Had this been a single chapter story, I know I would have enjoyed it much more. In fact, at the end of the first chapter, I was thinking to myself that, despite some style issues which rubbed me the wrong way, this was quite an enjoyable little stroke story. Then I realized I had two more chapters, and a certain amount of dread set in.
Despite there not being any genuine conflict in the first chapter, there WAS tension being built up from a number of sources: Dave potentially being fired/arrested for assaulting and molesting a student; the immense frustration that the reader feels at this student's harassment; and, of course, the desire to see the heroic main character get laid. The sense of inevitability for the resolution of the third item was tempered by what an absolute bitch our not-so-heroic female lead was being, but not quite enough that it ever dissipated completely.
Having cited this, the entire rest of the story revolves around a singular conflict: Will our intrepid heroes get caught while they have sex in public on nearly every page? What will the consequences be?
I suppose for the more exhibitionist readers, this would be enough to hold interest. Not so for yours truly, but I wanted to write a review for TP, and so I bravely soldiered onwards. I began to focus on the author's word use -- actually possible because of the high technical level of the writing. The main thing that I found, and found to be quite humorous at that, was the use of what I'll call Traditionalist Erotica phrases, similes and metaphors: the kind that can quite literally only be found within this genre of writing. And so I studied the author's use of craft here, and what a sterling example it is. I hesitate to say more on the topic without knowing the author's lexical intentions, so I'll just say that the descriptions are almost painfully well-written. Furthermore, the entire work is competently written with regard to grammar, spelling, and the like.
Aside from railing against contrived plot devices and events which I feel the author added solely to infuriate me, there's not a lot left to say here. Do you like stroke stories which focus almost entirely on food and exhibitionism as kinks? If so, definitely read this because you will be very satisfied. If not, I would say it's still worth reading for some very amusing wordplay by the author, who I will admit to being intrigued by.