Forum: Author Hangout

. If her being slim is essential to the plot, then introduce it later on, in context.

Not really. I tried that with the pastor in my novel. Many chapters into it, I described his eyebrows as bushy. I ended up moving that tidbit much earlier.

Why? I didn't want the reader to visualize him one way and then spring that on them.

Not really. I tried that with the pastor in my novel. Many chapters into it, I described his eyebrows as bushy. I ended up moving that tidbit much earlier.

Why? I didn't want the reader to visualize him one way and then spring that on them.

I'm not saying that you can't introduce it early, but I wouldn't include it in the first sentence, which is focused on her 'surveying a room', potentially looking for suspects. In that context, it simply doesn't belong. However, when she interviews a potential suspect, then it's entirely proper to describe her looks, since the suspect would respond to how she looked. It's all a matter of keeping the information where it belongs, rather than dumping it in the first line.

But, it's only one word. It won't kill a story to use it there. It just struck me as an odd sentence construct.

The 'slow circuit' doesn't bother me--most of us can picture that occurring--however, I questions the 'slim cop'. I'm not sure it adds anything to the sentence. Who really cares how slim she is?

Thanks. I chopped the sentence to its essence in posting it to illustrate the issue, but this is the opening scene of the novel and all we know about the two cops (there are two) is one is slim (her) and one is tall (him). We'll learn more about them later. The original sentence has more information

Thanks, all, for your comments. Donuts-not going there.

bb

There are no suspects in the room. There are two murder victims.

I chopped the sentence to its essence in posting it to illustrate the issue, but this is the opening scene of the novel and all we know about the two cops (there are two) is one is slim (her) and one is tall (him).

Again, it's about relevant information and first impressions. What's more essential, that one's slim and the other is tall (duh, guess which is which?), or that one's male and one female? I don't mind the identifying characteristics, but I think comments about attractiveness belong where someone is reacting to them, as opposed to identifying who they are initially. What would be more important is who's in charge, or who's on the ball (careful, crafty, suspicious).

Again, it's about relevant information and first impressions. What's more essential, that one's slim and the other is tall (duh, guess which is which?), or that one's male and one female?

CW-

I appreciate your comments, but in the rest of the scene there's enough additional detail in the appearance and behavior of the cops (especially behavior) to give the reader a pretty good idea of who they are.

I'm not prepared to share any more of my deathly prose from the chapter, so you'll have to wait until it's posted or published to decide whether it succeeded, or whether it merits laughter. (Always a plus, of course.)

Cheers,

bb

EDIT: It's not just the opening scene-"slim" and "tall" appear in the very first mention of the cops, in the second and third sentences, in fact. At that point we don't need to know any more. Then the scene develops and we learn more.

I'm not prepared to share any more of my deathly prose from the chapter, so you'll have to wait until it's posted or published to decide whether it succeeded, or whether it merits laughter. (Always a plus, of course.)

Understood. I always hate to post unedited text in the forum, because everyone jumps all over any mistakes, but it was just something that jumped out at me. Sounds like you've covered it (and it was a minor point to begin with).

Understood. I always hate to post unedited text

Heh. Such as writing "deathly prose" instead of "deathless prose," perhaps? On second thought, either one will do.

bb

Such as writing "deathly prose" instead of "deathless prose," perhaps? On second thought, either one will do.

Nowadays, that would be either "Undead Prose" or simply "Zombie Prose".

Not having read the story the inclusion of the word "slim" could be important - it says WHICH of the cops examined what was in the room at that juncture and suggests at this stage that the tall one has not entered the room. It is the later text which will show whether distinguishing between the cops at this stage is important

That's why I suggested specifying "she" or "the female cop" would be a more significant identifier. "Tall" and "slim" are not contrasting descriptions, many people are both tall and slim, including women. "Slim" would normally be specified if the other cop was overweight. But ... not having read the story, I'm not going to second guess your choices. As I said, it's an incredibly minor point and I only specified it so you could consider potential alternatives.

defective on the police farce

Only if the story is set in Tampa, Florida where I have the police defective already located in Odd Man in College.

Yeah I don't know if I'd trip over this or not, in context.

On third or fourth thought, I'm inclined to agree with you. I may change it, may not.

bb