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A Little Off This Week

March 20, 2016
Posted at 4:45 am

I mean my writing, of course. And apparently my brain is still disconnected from my hands because I just completed a long lovely blog post for you and then hit the close button instead of post. All gone.

But let's get back to being off. I flew into Krabi, Thailand yesterday afternoon in the company of a lovely South African woman from Paris. We shared a shuttle downtown with her friend, a journalist from Paris. Both lovely women were great company and I hope to meet up with them again during the week. What does that have to do with being off? Nothing. I just wanted to brag about being in the company of two beautiful French women for the afternoon.

When I got to my hotel--better than average--I went out in search of food and a beer. Of course, I discovered you don't get beer at a Halal restaurant, but you do get excellent spicy grilled beef salad. And a great cup of coffee. $6. So on the way back to the hotel, I explored a bit and saw several places to exchange money at a good rate and a little restaurant with the bold sign that said "What we do good: Coffee, Breakfast, Sausage,..." All right, sold. This morning I got up and went to enjoy their fare, only to discover they don't open until 10:00. Some breakfast. I decided to get money exchanged and went to the places I saw the night before. Closed. Closed. Closed. Finally found one open and exchanged $100 for 3,449 Baht. Then found a Black Canyon Coffee shop and had the full American breakfast with a salad, scrambled eggs, ham, and sausage links wrapped in bacon. $6. Including a good cup of coffee.

When I got back to my hotel, I realized, of course, they were closed. It's Sunday! Then I thought, But this is an entirely Buddhist and Muslim area of Thailand. I haven't seen a single church in three weeks. Go figure.

I checked out and caught a cab to Ao Nang Beach where my hotel room was already prepared for me, even though I got there at eleven and check-in isn't until 2:00. No problem. I dared to go out for a walk to buy some beer and chips. (You can't buy alcohol in Thailand between 2:00 and 5:00 p.m. No one seems to know why.) But, a dollar for a double-bottle of Leo and a bag of chips. Then lie low in the AC hotel room all afternoon because the temperature out there is 93 but feels like 108. No kidding. That's what the weather report says. It's fucking hot. And humid.

But about being off. This is just to show that I have no real concept of time at the moment. Who the fuck cares what day it is? So this story actually starts a few days ago in Chiang Mai. I think it was probably Wednesday, because I'm pretty sure I went to cooking school on Tuesday, but it all might have been the day before.

So it was hot, but in Chiang Mai the bungalows had a beautiful pool and I set up shop in the little cabana structure by the pool and spent a good bit of the day writing. And in the heat of the day, I had one of those double-size Leos and SA came out while CL was having her massage (1 hour Thai Massage, $6--Getting the pattern here?) and she brought her drink into the cabana and we started talking about writing. Well, it was actually talking about the reaction of a woman who had always considered herself heterosexual but fell in love with a lesbian who was really nice to her and then discovered that she didn't really like lesbian sex but still loved the lesbian and who was going to be hurt and how they'd get past that. Then SA left for her massage and CL brought her drink to the cabana and we chatted until LA and BJ arrived. Then I took a dip in the nice saltwater pool with JA (who is really nice and age appropriate but is still mooning over a lost love) and LI who just showed up and is an incredibly cute young woman who really rocks a bikini. And is German, so I speak a little German. "Fricken Sie Deutsch?" As if that would get me anywhere. Besides, she's vegan and I'd starve if I couldn't eat her.

WA comes buy and offers to get us anything we need from 7-Eleven and I asked him to bring me another bottle of Hong Thong ($6). Well, then Ro and RA show up--and NA--and we are all drinking and playing games that I've never heard of before because I'm at least twice as old as the next oldest person piled into the cabana. RO wanted to be in my next mystery as the person who gets killed. I told her she'd have to go float naked in the pool so I could get a picture of her for the cover. There's this game, apparently, where she got challenged and asked what the odds were that she'd float--okay, in her bikini--right now for me to take her picture. She says "One in fifteen". A friend counts down from three and we both shout out "Seven!" She gets up and strips out of her clothes (All girls always have a bikini on, it seems) and dives into the pool. I'm falling over myself getting my camera ready and taking her picture floating face down in the pool like a corpse.

Then we all run back to the cabana, have another drink and I get told repeatedly by LA that I needed to get laid, but she wasn't volunteering and no one would take my odds after I won with RO.

Then there was the morning after. I have not been drunk in ten years. I was still drunk at noon, nursing liquids slowly and trying to figure out why I'd been staring at the same screen on my computer for six hours. That's when I started to be a little off my writing game.

Oh, I'm fine now, but I got a client's manuscript in to edit and I've been working on preparing the last four books of LNDtH for eBook release on Amazon and then I decided I needed to write a fricking blog post instead of continuing my do-over at the moment and here I am--three days without having written anything or precious little. Or maybe it's five days. Anyway, I figure tomorrow, after I have gone to the beach to watch the International Parade of Bikinis (every day), I'll get some writing done. Wish me luck because I am seriously behind on the 1 Million Word Challenge as of today!