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Chapter List - Hard Times

January 15, 2015
Posted at 8:02 pm
Updated: January 16, 2015 - 3:44 am

Yay - thank you so much to the fan who compiled the list of chapters

Chapter 1: A Life Turned Upside Down
Chapter 2: Cowboys and Injuns
Chapter 3: The Long Walk Home
Chapter 4: No good deed goes unpunished
Chapter 5: Dog Day Afternoon
Chapter 6: Working at the Car Wash
Chapter 7 Twerking at the Car Wash
Chapter 8 Jerking at the Car Wash
Chapter 9 Welcome to Rowdy's Family Restaurant
Chapter 10 You know you are broke as hell when
your bologna doesn't have a first name
Chapter 11 The difference between Facts and Farts
is a C and an R
Chapter 12: Enter Maw-Maw
Chapter 13: A Freudian Slip is when you say one
thing and mean your mother. I mean another
Chapter 14: Twistle Twhile You Twerk
Chapter 15: Fuck Your Rules - We Do What We Want
Chapter 16: Dire Circumstances Call For Desperate
Chapter 17: If life gives you melons - then you
may be dyslexic. Make Lemonade anyway
Chapter 18: I Would Rather Eat Crums With Bums
Than Steaks With Snakes
Chapter 19: If turds could fly they would be
called burds
Chapter 20: Assume the position - Point U ASS at
Chapter 21: Lean in real close and ask "twat- I
cunt hear you?"
Chapter 22: Do you think the guy who invented the
vibrator heard voices saying "If you invent it
they will cum?"
Chapter 23: My Hobby Is Suffering Badly And I Need
A Hard Time Fix!
Chapter 24 What is the difference between medium
and rare? 6 inches is medium, 9 inches is RARE!
Chapter 25 "Writing fiction is the act of weaving
a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth."―
Khaled Hosseini
Chapter 26: Surely Dreams Have Endings Don't They?
Chapter 27: The one who laughs last is the
slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest
Chapter 28: I need to get this off my chest --
supposably and probally are not words
Chapter 29 There are two sides to every story -
Ted is an insufferable douchebag in both.
Chapter 30 Men have feelings too - for instance,
we feel hungry.
Chapter 31 You mess with me - you mess with the
whole trailer park!
Chapter 32 If it has tires or tits - you are
gonna have problems with it
Chapter 33 A guy who shaves his legs and arms
-probably shaves his vagina too.
Chapter 34 This motherfucker has been in more
Windows than Bill Gates
Chapter 35: Fifty Shades of GAH-AY!
Chapter 36: I don't have ex's, I have y's; as in
'y the hell did I date you?'
Chapter 37: Technically, I don't suck cock. I just
put it in my mouth and wait until the swelling
goes down
Chapter 38: Calm seas do not make good sailors
Chapter 39 If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into
your Ramen, it tastes exactly like "poverty".
Chapter 40 You could be the star of a show called,
"Shit I don't care about!"
Chapter 41 I just ate 6 cans of alphabet soup and
just took the biggest vowel movement ever
Chapter 42 The Ultimate Chapter on Life, the
Universe, and Everything Or The Improbability of
Driving Miss Daisy
Chapter 43 Did You Know The Word LISTEN Uses The
Same Letters As The Word SILENT?
Chapter 44 Q: What is Worse Than Biting into an
Apple and Finding a Worm? A: Ted's Sister
Chapter 45 If it walks like an ass, talks like an
ass, quacks like an ass, it's an ass.
Chapter 46 Autocorrect has become my worst enema!
Chapter 47 Don't try to understand women. Women
understand women - that is why they hate each
Chapter 48 What does frozen beer, burnt pizza and
a pregnant girl have in common? They all involve
an idiot who forgot to take it out in time.
Chapter 49 My face is up here - but please look
at my tits anyway.
Chapter 50: 50 shades of bitches and bosses
Chapter 51: I have sexdaily! I mean dyslexia!
Chapter 52: Seven Simple Rules for Disciplining My
Chapter 53: I sure would like to see you try
Chapter 54: If you put vodka in a Shirley Temple,
that is called a Lindsay Lohan
Chapter 55: You Get About Five Years Of Them As
Billy Before They Turn Into A Ted
Chapter 56: This sucks more than anything that has
sucked before
Chapter 57: Don't feed me rainbows and give me
unicorn poop
Chapter 58: They say with anal sex you can't get
pregnant - then where are all these assholes
coming from?
Chapter 59: Karma Is Only a Bitch - If You Are!
Chapter 60: Life is not about waiting for the
storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in
the rain.
Chapter 61: Oh sweetheart, you should probably
only be as rude as you are pretty!
Chapter 62: A Knight In Shining Armor Is Someone
Who Has Never Had Their Metal Truly Tested on the
field of battle
Chapter 63: These are NOT the sluts you are
looking for
Chapter 64: I Am Very Proud Of My Humbleness
Chapter 65: Boobs are proof men can focus on two
things at once
Chapter 66: I Can Eat All the Beans and Sell the
Chapter 67 We can lament rose bushes have thorns
or cheer that thorn bushes have roses
Chapter 68 If I told you all of my secrets - I
would have to kill you.
Chapter 69 I find you offensive - then I suggest
you quit fucking finding me.
Chapter 70: To the Victors Go the Spoiled
Chapter 71 I learned long ago, never to wrestle
with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig
likes it.
Chapter 72 The best advice I ever got was "Don't
fuck up."
Chapter 73 Masturbating is a form of stress relief
- so go fuck yourself and calm down!
Chapter 74 The secret of a successful marriage is
to keep his balls full and his stomach empty
Chapter 75 The Most Epic Blowjob Ever Given
Chapter 76 When your luck runs out, it doesn't
matter how big your dick is - and you my friend
have a little dick
Chapter 77 Life isn't Fair - Fairs have cotton
candy and lemonade stands
Chapter 78: If I Put Two Quarters in Your Ears You
Will Listen To Fifty Cents
Chapter 79 You may be a bad bitch at heart, but
you want to ACT like a good slut
Chapter 80: It's Hard Being A Bad Ass Motherfucker
In A World Full Of Pussies