Several people have written to me suggesting that I wasted my time preparing Beating Off Bob's Guide to Writing Really Bad Erotica, since the vast majority of people reading the guide will never actually write any erotica, good, bad or indifferent.
Such people are being very short sighted. Please allow me to explain.
The value of the expertise transferred from me to the reader in this guide has efficacy far beyond how it might affect their literary endeavors in terms of trying to be an author. People spend a lot of time READING erotica too and, as we all know ... time is money.
Let's just take a hypothetical example here. Let's assume that the average slavering, hunched over pervert opens seventy stories per week. That's about how many I open, and I'm completely normal, just Joe Average, ordinary guy, who only touches himself ten or twelve dozen times a day.
OK, now with what I've taught him in the guide, he (or she ... mustn't forget the bitches) should be able to recognize really bad erotica maybe six out of seven times. That's six stories that get dumped right away. That's a savings of 90 minutes for each seven stories opened, or a savings of 360 minutes per week.
That's 1,440 minutes per month, or 17,280 minutes per year.
Now, let's assume, just for the sake of argument, that the average reader will live for 30 years after he gets the erotica habit. Now we're talking about a savings of 518,400 minutes over his erotica reading lifetime.
Divide that by sixty to get hours (8,640) and then by 24 to get days (360) and then by forty to get a work week, and you end up with 216 work weeks saved.
OK, now we apply an average of $500 per work week. I know a bunch of you out there get thousands per week, but somebody has to flip hamburgers. Besides I don't want any whiners saying I padded the statistics.
That means that reading my guide has saved you $108.000 dollars by the time you decide to give up reading one out of every seven stories you open.
OK, so $108,000 isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things. If you really feel that way, you can send me just half of it, and give the other half to the Salvation Army.
But the real value to the guide isn't that it saves YOU over a hundred grand grand. I have thousands of readers. OK, technically, as of the middle of August, 2009, exactly 1,380 people have downloaded the guide, and at least a few of them might be authors, or people who were thinking about becoming authors. But eventually some more people will stumble across the guide, which Laz is foolish enough to leave up there for the whole world to see. And EVENTUALLY I think 2,000 people will read it.
That's $216,000,000 bucks, people. That's MILLION ... with an M.
These are tough economic times. How much can YOU say you've done for the economy?
You needn't thank me. Instead, just send me a five pound bag of large breed dog chow. I have a black lab who's eating me out of house and home. And I saved you a hundred grand, after all ... you know?
Or, even better, send this to ten of your email contacts and you'll get your wish ... no ... wait, that's not what I meant. What I meant is get ten people to read the guide. That will expand the savings ten times, which will get over two billion dollars in savings, which will pay for maybe a whole WEEK of some war in the middle east, where they don't read erotica at all, because they get their eyes chopped off if they do and then they don't get even one ugly virgin when they die.
Come to think of it, for people who seem to hate sex so much, why is Paradise based on getting virgins?
Never mind. I digress. What's important is that you get a hundred of your friends to read the guide and we're talking real economy shakeup. Get a THOUSAND of your friends to read the guide and the recession is OVER! GONE! IN THE HISTORY BOOKS! IT'S MOCHA CREME BLACK CHERRY 52 OZ LATTES FOR EVERYBODY THREE TIMES A DAY!!!
Unless ... like me ... you only have five friends to begin with.
And I'd be way too embarrassed to admit I read that guide to three of them.