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Consumer Alert!

October 20, 2008
Posted at 2:12 pm

With the posting of my second treatise on masturbation, this one pertaining to the fairer sex, I received a most disturbing missive from a worried man named Floyd. He said "My wife has a pierced [clitoral] hood and has been Flopping Her Fob and Twisting Her Un-Wedding Ring ..

Should I be Worried?


My initial advice to him was that his concern was baseless but then it occurred to me that there could be significant danger involved with the Flopping of Her Fob.

Here is my reasoning:

Clitoral hood rings come in a variety of sizes, as any pervert ... um ... observer, I mean, can see if he surfs the web at all. Now, sizing may be an real issue here, and that is my concern.

A cock ring is designed to encircle the penis so that, when it swells, the outflow of blood will be curtailed, and the organ will remain erect. Imagine, if you will, if a clit ring were to encircle the clitty itself, which might then swell up and become stuck in the ring.

The penis, once it ejaculates, will shrink, enabling the ring to be removed. Alas! The clit doesn't ejaculate. In fact, during orgasm, it gets even bigger!


So this public service announcement is to let you ladies know that there is the potential for disaster in having a clit ring that is too small, or sized to match your clit. BEWARE! Don't let this catastrophe strike you.

And don't let the fact that there has never been a substantiated case of SCS (Stuck Clitty Syndrome), reported in any reputable medical journal, give you false comfort. It could happen to you!

Here's my advice. When it comes to the size of the ring you employ to hold your hood on, think about it like the maintenance man's maxim about oil.

If some's good ... more's better ... and too much is just right.

So opt for the big golden hoop, ladies. Get the old fashioned gold ring, like they used to have on merry go rounds. Yes, it might tend to make the front of your pants look a little odd, but that's immeasurably better than having to show up at the ER needing a clit extraction done. From what I know, the only solution would be to cut the ring off, and just think about how hot that baby will get if they have to take a dremel to it!


Better yet, to leave nothing to chance, I'll volunteer my considerable services as an expert consultant.

Just send me a picture of your hood and clit. It matters not whether it's already pierced or not. I have a medically documented calibrated eye. If you already have a ring, I can evaluate whether it's of a dangerous size. If not, I can advise you of what size would best serve your needs.

And please, get your clit erect before you take the picture. Fractions of milimeters can be critical.

There! I feel so much better, having brought this potentially awful situation to your attention.

I remain your faithful servant,