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July 15, 2007
Posted at 1:22 am
 

Dear Anonymous Reader

I've gotten some more of those anonymous emails that I sometimes get ... you know ... the ones I can't write back to, because they don't give a return address.

I got to thinking, and figured that, since these people read my stories, I thought "Maybe they read my blog too!" Who knows?

So I figured I'd just answer them in my blog, because, as any of you who have written to me, and DID leave an address know ... I almost always answer my mail.




Re: Jack And Jill - A Naughty Nursery Rhyme

Very Funny

Anonymous



Dear Anonymous,

Very thankful.
Bob




Re: You're Stories ("You're" listed as received in the email)

Why do all your girls get pregnant?

Anonymous



Dear Anonymous,

Because their wombs get filled up with semen, and semen has sperm in it, and sperm penetrate eggs, and that makes the girl pregnant. Let me say this another way. If you have unprotected sex, and you do that a lot, you'll get pregnant.

Bob




Re: Your email response

I apologize for this automatic reply to your email.
To control spam, I now allow incoming messages only from senders I have approved beforehand.
If you would like to be added to my list of approved senders, please fill out the short request form (see link below). Once I approve you, I will receive your original message in my inbox. You do not need to re-send your message. I apologize for this one-time inconvenience.



Dear reader who wants me to fill out a short request form, instead of writing to someone who actually wants to read something I've sent them.

I wrote back to you, in response to your email to me. I wrote you five paragraphs of details, answering your questions, and telling you things about myself. You never got it. I saved a copy, but you'll still never see it, because I'm not filling out your form.

Why did you write me an email in the first place, if I wasn't approved beforehand?

Wait! Don't answer that! It won't do you any good, because your answer will never get to me. That's because I classified your email address as spam. All future messages from you will be captured by my spam catcher.

If you want to contact me in the future, simply get a new email account, and a new password, with a new user name. The pre-approve me as a recipient of answers to your emails. In your new email account, explain who you used to be, and put in a copy of what you sent me as that person, which never got answered. Be sure to detail the date and time of all previous messages, since that's how I store them. Then, when I have time, I'll look up your old message, and my original response to it, and send it to you then.

See how quick and easy that is?

Bob




Re: That tutor story

u rock!

Anonymous



Dear Anonymous,

No, I author. Rock r hard thing on ground.

Bob




Re: Orphanage Blues

ROFLMAO!

Anonymous


Dear Anonymous,

That was supposed to be a thoughtful, sober, and serious look at how the horror in a young man's life might be overcome by an overflowing of love from strangers, turned lovers. Still, I'm glad you're rolling on the floor. That way you won't trip on something and hurt your head.

Wait! Pardon me for using plain English. Let me put that in language you'll understand.

TYSM! WTF? STFU, MF, YDHTBOAW.

Bob




Re: Prick Van Winkle

u mispeled a word in this story (I swear that's exactly how this person wrote the second word)

Anonymous



Dear Anonymous,

Thanks so much! I'll get right on checking each of the over 12,000 words in this story, trying to figure out which one you are talking about.

Hang on a minute. I just thought of something. Be right back.

I was right. I found what I was looking for. I checked my copy of the Amalgamated Amateur Author's Instructional Manual and Rule Book, third edition. As an Amateur Author, I'm allowed to misspell three words per thousand words written. It's a rule. If you don't believe me, it's on page 357, paragraph b(4).

I can't believe I passed up my chance to spell thirty-five more words wrong in that story!

Bob




Well, that's all the anonymous messages I've saved up, for now. Keep those anonymous cards and letters coming. I have such fun reading them.

Bob