If you are a fan of the Family Feud Universe you know that the stories are very long, involved tales where the subjects begin as just typical white-bread America and go on a slow evolution (or de-evolution) as life altering circumstances drag them into their current situation.
If you are not, then yes, that's basically what they are about. They are also about entertaining and that means making you horny, making you laugh, making you think, whatever fantasies they inspire is all good (as long as no one acts upon them, but thats implied).
Family Feud is the story of a "perfect" Middle American Family in an affluent Neighborhood. They start off with the women trying to change the men and make them better and in the end I think that is how it ends up for everyone. There is a lot of bondage, sex, humiliation, blackmail along the way.
Hard Times is my current story and it's in the "same Universe" - many of the characters from the story even find their way into this story. You will see in coming chapters that there is a thread with some of the side-characters all having known each other in the past and the incestuous results of their families coming together are what led to the creation of Cherry Lawn Estates (And the Buckman Trailer Park).
Hard Times is about a white-bread teenage girl from Cherry Lawn who has to move in with her Aunt's family in a massive trailer park in a neighboring poor county. She gets sucked into their scams and grifts and I think in the end is better for it (we'll see). There is lots of bondage, sex, humiliation, blackmail etc along the way as well.
I tell you this because I came up with an idea for a game. A game that may inspire readers and authors on SOL!!
I was watching one of those daytime talk shows and one of the subjects was a 40 year old man with a young teenage wife. He thought she loved him and then she asked if a "Friend" she went to high school could move in.
Naturally, she hung on her hubby and manipulated him into helping this guy out. In time, the man became friends with this guy and they hung out almost like father and son, as sort of a mentor. He was glad to help him out.
Then he finds out that she is sleeping with this guy, and that they have been mocking him behind his back and laughing at him. So he chases them out and has a big confrontation with his wife's mother who apparently wanted to get the two younger people together anyway and had known they were sweet hearts in high school but never revealed it to the older man.
I thought to myself "Fuck, this would make a fantastic story!! especially if we were to elaborate on it!"
This guy is living the Buckman story. He ends up opening an internet modeling business and hiring his ex-wife (who is now living with this guy) to model for him nude in very explicit shots and sort of cuckolding the young man.
He could easily be a "Neighbor down the Road from J street" on the Buckman.
So here is what I propose:
Record Three day time talk shows on your DVR or watch them straight online or on TV. Any talk shows - at random. You can't even read the show notes to find out what kind of show it is in advance. Springer is probably the best for this, but Steve Wilcos, Maury, any trash will do.
Pick one subject on the three shows.
Pick someone from your own life, maybe a neighbor, maybe the people I just described in my example, maybe yourself with some conflict or strife in their life.
Pick a side character you wondered about in the Family Feud series!!
Then set them either in "Cherry Lawn Estates" an ordinary but affluent suburb on "Gardenia Avenue", a street a few down from where the Taylor Family lived.
or set them in the Buckman down on "J Street" not too far from Glory Hill.
You don't have to involve them with the characters or the timeline from Family Feud but it would be nice if you add them to the "Family Feud" Universe (Totally optional).
This story is about them, it should be a nice little short story with a start (chapter one), a middle (conflict) and an end (chapter three).
You can give them different names and change a few things about their lives (that's an author's privilege). Write the problem pretty much as you saw it but give them the ending you think they deserve!!
That's the game: Even if you have never written a story, just give it a shot! See what you can come up with.
You might inspire somebody ELSE to write, or better to masturbate to your story!!
As a side note: Kung Fu Dave is loosely based on a real character from Jerry Springer. His sister Cricket is sort of an amalgamation of the girlfriends (and possibly sister/cousin) he brought on the show. Search him on google and you'll probably find him!
Yay - thank you so much to the fan who compiled the list of chapters
Chapter 1: A Life Turned Upside Down
Chapter 2: Cowboys and Injuns
Chapter 3: The Long Walk Home
Chapter 4: No good deed goes unpunished
Chapter 5: Dog Day Afternoon
Chapter 6: Working at the Car Wash
Chapter 7 Twerking at the Car Wash
Chapter 8 Jerking at the Car Wash
Chapter 9 Welcome to Rowdy's Family Restaurant
Chapter 10 You know you are broke as hell when
your bologna doesn’t have a first name
Chapter 11 The difference between Facts and Farts
is a C and an R
Chapter 12: Enter Maw-Maw
Chapter 13: A Freudian Slip is when you say one
thing and mean your mother. I mean another
Chapter 14: Twistle Twhile You Twerk
Chapter 15: Fuck Your Rules - We Do What We Want
Chapter 16: Dire Circumstances Call For Desperate
Chapter 17: If life gives you melons – then you
may be dyslexic. Make Lemonade anyway
Chapter 18: I Would Rather Eat Crums With Bums
Than Steaks With Snakes
Chapter 19: If turds could fly they would be
Chapter 20: Assume the position – Point U ASS at
Chapter 21: Lean in real close and ask "twat- I
cunt hear you?"
Chapter 22: Do you think the guy who invented the
vibrator heard voices saying "If you invent it
they will cum?"
Chapter 23: My Hobby Is Suffering Badly And I Need
A Hard Time Fix!
Chapter 24 What is the difference between medium
and rare? 6 inches is medium, 9 inches is RARE!
Chapter 25 "Writing fiction is the act of weaving
a series of lies to arrive at a greater truth."―
Chapter 26: Surely Dreams Have Endings Don't They?
Chapter 27: The one who laughs last is the
slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest
Chapter 28: I need to get this off my chest --
supposably and probally are not words
Chapter 29 There are two sides to every story –
Ted is an insufferable douchebag in both.
Chapter 30 Men have feelings too – for instance,
we feel hungry.
Chapter 31 You mess with me – you mess with the
whole trailer park!
Chapter 32 If it has tires or tits – you are
gonna have problems with it
Chapter 33 A guy who shaves his legs and arms
–probably shaves his vagina too.
Chapter 34 This motherfucker has been in more
Windows than Bill Gates
Chapter 35: Fifty Shades of GAH-AY!
Chapter 36: I don't have ex's, I have y's; as in
'y the hell did I date you?'
Chapter 37: Technically, I don't suck cock. I just
put it in my mouth and wait until the swelling
Chapter 38: Calm seas do not make good sailors
Chapter 39 If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into
your Ramen, it tastes exactly like "poverty".
Chapter 40 You could be the star of a show called,
"Shit I don't care about!"
Chapter 41 I just ate 6 cans of alphabet soup and
just took the biggest vowel movement ever
Chapter 42 The Ultimate Chapter on Life, the
Universe, and Everything Or The Improbability of
Driving Miss Daisy
Chapter 43 Did You Know The Word LISTEN Uses The
Same Letters As The Word SILENT?
Chapter 44 Q: What is Worse Than Biting into an
Apple and Finding a Worm? A: Ted's Sister
Chapter 45 If it walks like an ass, talks like an
ass, quacks like an ass, it's an ass.
Chapter 46 Autocorrect has become my worst enema!
Chapter 47 Don't try to understand women. Women
understand women – that is why they hate each
Chapter 48 What does frozen beer, burnt pizza and
a pregnant girl have in common? They all involve
an idiot who forgot to take it out in time.
Chapter 49 My face is up here – but please look
at my tits anyway.
Chapter 50: 50 shades of bitches and bosses
Chapter 51: I have sexdaily! I mean dyslexia!
Chapter 52: Seven Simple Rules for Disciplining My
Chapter 53: I sure would like to see you try
Chapter 54: If you put vodka in a Shirley Temple,
that is called a Lindsay Lohan
Chapter 55: You Get About Five Years Of Them As
Billy Before They Turn Into A Ted
Chapter 56: This sucks more than anything that has
Chapter 57: Don't feed me rainbows and give me
Chapter 58: They say with anal sex you can't get
pregnant – then where are all these assholes
Chapter 59: Karma Is Only a Bitch – If You Are!
Chapter 60: Life is not about waiting for the
storm to pass – it's about learning to dance in
Chapter 61: Oh sweetheart, you should probably
only be as rude as you are pretty!
Chapter 62: A Knight In Shining Armor Is Someone
Who Has Never Had Their Metal Truly Tested on the
field of battle
Chapter 63: These are NOT the sluts you are
Chapter 64: I Am Very Proud Of My Humbleness
Chapter 65: Boobs are proof men can focus on two
things at once
Chapter 66: I Can Eat All the Beans and Sell the
Chapter 67 We can lament rose bushes have thorns
or cheer that thorn bushes have roses
Chapter 68 If I told you all of my secrets – I
would have to kill you.
Chapter 69 I find you offensive – then I suggest
you quit fucking finding me.
Chapter 70: To the Victors Go the Spoiled
Chapter 71 I learned long ago, never to wrestle
with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig
Chapter 72 The best advice I ever got was "Don't
Chapter 73 Masturbating is a form of stress relief
– so go fuck yourself and calm down!
Chapter 74 The secret of a successful marriage is
to keep his balls full and his stomach empty
Chapter 75 The Most Epic Blowjob Ever Given
Chapter 76 When your luck runs out, it doesn't
matter how big your dick is – and you my friend
have a little dick
Chapter 77 Life isn't Fair – Fairs have cotton
candy and lemonade stands
Chapter 78: If I Put Two Quarters in Your Ears You
Will Listen To Fifty Cents
Chapter 79 You may be a bad bitch at heart, but
you want to ACT like a good slut
Chapter 80: It's Hard Being A Bad Ass Motherfucker
In A World Full Of Pussies
If you have been following the story "Hard Times" you will realize that the main character's mom and dad are often absent.
In fact, we haven't seen Mike her father since the earliest part of the story.
My question to you the reader is - where do you think he is?
What is your theory on a plausible reason for his absence all week?
Send me your feedback on where and if its correct, I'll write your alter-ego into the story somehow.
I think you will really enjoy chapter 77 if you have read Family Feud.
Several characters have made "Easter Egg"/cross-over appearances in this story - most notably Doctor Hooker. In this chapter, we find out what happened to Delilah after the end of Family Feud IV. She sums it up for readers who haven't read the story but I think you would really understand her background much better if you read that story.
Obviously, Delilah may become a main character now - time will tell.
I would also like to thank those rare people who have taken the time to read all the stories and cheer on those kinds of references.
I am going to post my "Reference Guide" to Hard Times (to date) for those of you who need a quick/snappy guide.
I have a similar one at the start of all the family feud stories as well.
WARNING - IT DOES POTENTIALLY CONTAIN SPOILERS It is useful to me as an author to quickly remember a character's name, locate what chapter they were introduced or something about them like a detail. I hope you can use it the same way. This is just an excerpt of the final version that will be posted when this story is complete.
Hard Times Companion
Updated through chapter 77
This is a simple reference sheet for the story. I use it as an author to easily find things I mentioned in the story. There are also Easter eggs I mention in this story that happened in Family Feud sprinkled throughout that I should probably track for my own reference.
This will continue to evolve as I craft this story.
I do a lot of subtle foreshadowing and I also like to leave things to the reader’s imagination at times. I don't always describe every event that happened. I might reference a past situation or a history between two characters and let the reader fill in the blanks on what must have happened. That is often very intentional on my part. In the companion I try to track some of those details so I don’t forgot them.
I find that if I give the reader just enough information - their mind will construct a more elaborate and plausible scenario about that event than I would and I don't want to bunny-trail too far from the main story line to tell that background story. I can’t tell every side character’s entire story and every event that ever happens – however I love fan-fiction and short-stories about the side characters. I would encourage you to reconstruct what DID go down in one of those side-events and write it up as a short story!
There is a revolving door of characters in the story. Just like any big trailer park like this setting – it is a bit like the ensemble cast of Hee-Haw. There are just going to be a whole mess of them.
Conner – A little younger than his sister – he has red hair and freckles. He is puny and nerdy. He likes video games and sci-fi.
Ellen – Ellen could best be described as looking like a teenage Ellen Paige. She has dark hair in a pixie cut and is pale. At the start of the story she is unaware of how cute and adorable she looks and thinks her shoulders are boxy and she is frumpy. She moved to the Buckman with her family after they fell on hard times. Ellen is a bit of a rule follower/over-achiever who is very book smart and tends towards the shy side at the start of the story. This story is written from her perspective almost exclusively.
Ellen has A to B cup tits, and an outie pussy.
Patricia- Could best be compared to the mom on the show the “Middle” – the same character/personality almost perfectly.
Mike – Mike is an all-around good family man with a strong jaw. He was an Executive but was laid off and unable to find work. He lost his house, his car, his credit cards are maxed out. Early on in the story he leaves to find work in a nearby town. You can think of Mike as the same actor who plays the husband on the middle.
CRYSTAL – Crystal is the classic ‘trailer park milf’. She has Auburn hair and is well tanned, fake tits and a very attractive body. She has a scratchy voice from whiskey and cigarettes. She has a sassy southern personality and is a bit of an extrovert. She has a belly-button piercing at the start of the story.
She has an innie vagina, belly ring, and D cup fake tits. Her skin is dark tanned.
Crystal (and Patricia’s) mother was a Greek woman. We know that she imparts certain practical wisdom on the girls that they mention every now and then. We learn that Ellen’s grandfather is deceased but was alive when she was little.
In chapter 59 Crystal is given two big metal zero gauge white gold piercings in her breasts, and one in her clit.
LLOYD – Lloyd bears a strong resemblance to Ashton Kutcher. He has a goofy personality and isn’t too bright. He is relatively fearless and often helps strangers whenever he can. He is a classic “Good old southern boy”.
SAVANNAH – blonde, blue –eyed trailer park vixen in high school. If you google “JOY” from my name is earl/search on youtube – you will get an idea of what she is like if you picture her in high school.
She has an innie vagina and B to C cup peach-shaped tits. Her skin is a light bronze by the time they begin working outside. Her middle name is Ginger.
In 61 she gets the nickname “Scumvannah”
Ares and Zeus are two male Rottweiler-mixed breeds who spend most of their time in the yard in a small fenced in kennel. According to Wendy they were a gift to Lloyd from his birth-father who told him they were wolves and would keep him safe until he returned home (Which he never did).
TED: Ted has short blondish high and tight haircut, tiny mustache and scruff on his face. His job as a security guard and his general role in life is that of someone who craves authority and respect but gets little from others – and he does little to deserve it. He is a bully towards people much weaker than himself and an ass kiss to guys who are actually tough and considers himself one of their peers.
Ted has Short Man’s Syndrome - This typically describes a man under 5 foot 5 inches. Short man syndrome men usually have a heavier body, a small head , but a larger face, typically are going bald. A man with short man syndrome will try to overcompensate for his small stature by buying oversize cars, always lying, being very controlling, very bossy, and think they are always right. They cannot admit they are wrong. They will align themselves with the people they think can do the most for them, and will use people to their advantage, lying about everything.
If you google “Kenny Powers” from Eastbound and Down/search on youtube- you will get ONE of the key inspirations for Ted and the voice I hear in my head when I write his dialogue.
MAW-MAW Teds heavy set mother – she always has a serious and slow disposition. She was introduced in chapter 12 and moved in with the family. She is Senior’s Sister (and Junior’s Aunt) .
They live on Glory Hill Street
Junior – Ch. 20 “He stood at average height and a little overweight. He had red rosacea streaks around his cheeks and greasy, short, black hair. He wore a faded denim overalls and a flannel shirt.”
The owner of the Buckman’s son. Drives the white caddilac that is often ominously seen in the Buckman. Junior lives on Seminole in the first trailer on the lot. He is Ted’s Uncle.
Senior – Ch. X – He is alluded to but not yet introduced. He owns a theme park and many motels in town. He owns the trailer park and made a fortune. His sister is Maw-Maw. Spoiler: He is distant relatives to the Griffin family and was once an executive working for the Bitterman Brothers (see FF).
Tammy- Ch. 25 - looks like Tammy Faye Baker, Junior’s sister, has a big pit bull named “Chunks”.
Daisy – “Daisy Dukes” Ch. 39 – BBW, Ted’s twin sister. She has four kids: Gene, Sarah, Damian and Dumpling (A baby). Her husband is “Meth-Head Bill”. Daisy has a pink “Shut the Fuck Up” Bunny Rabbit tattoo on her right tit. Daisy has been described as a more voluptuous, slightly more aggressive version of Melissa McCarthy (an actress on Mike and Molly).
ASS Family – Odd Jobs designation for the family
Jack - Ted
Lazy – Maw-Maw
Racing Nicknames – Ch. 28
“Juicy Lucy” Ellen
“Country Boy” Lloyd
Angel – Ch. 15 She is seen at the pool sunning herself and smoking, Angel is an attractive former head cheerleader and homecoming queen who is 7 months pregnant. She was seen in a rebel flag bikini next to an ape-like redneck boyfriend. Angel’s unnamed sister works at the Landing Strip (A strip club). Her brutish boyfriend’s name is Derek Hammond. She has one much younger brother who looks like her named Gabriel.
She is also former-Miss Firecracker’ and winner of the WPIG Country 105.3 “Hottest Bikini Contest”. Her father is a Biker. She once had a nerdy boyfriend that Derek and his friends beat up.
Terminator, Big Mike and Gator work at the club as bouncers/managers
Boogie- Ch. 22 Drives a van with a Dixie Air-Horn that goes “Dug-a-doo-doo-doo dug-a-doo-doo-doo-doo!”. We don’t know much about him in that chapter. He follows the girls through the park effectively blocking other cars from staring at their asses.
Bleaker , Larry and Lenny – Ch. 23 – Larry is the store manager of “Wicked Weasal” in the local mall. He used to keep an ‘account’ that was Crystal’s partial payments on swimsuits. He is married.
Lenny is a young man who once got scammed by Savannah into buying the family a dinner on prom night. He also works at the cash register. He was never physically described but he wears glasses and has a large nose.
Catfish – Ch. 27 – balding, long black mustache. A customer when Ted first takes over the business. Catfish later turns out to be his friend and becomes an assistant manager of the girls.
Carmela – Ch. 70 – Latina girl who looks a lot like Kim Kardashian. She drives a late model pink Lexus and travels with several other girls. She is facebook rivals with Tawny Haislip.
Ding-Dong/Donger– Ch. 9 – Notorious Trailer park flasher. He looks like a cross between Terry Bradshaw, Hulk Hogan and “Dobber” from Coach. He is fairly muscular and tan with long blonde hair (but balding on top). Donger is Australian.
Gerald and Tater – Ch. 3 and 36, originally unnamed boys who participated in the Cowboy’s and Indians game in chapter three. They re-emerge in Chapter 36 high on gas-fumes at the Head shop. Tater was once step-son to Crystal and Gerald was once step-son to Ted. Gerald’s mother is named Shawna. Tater’s father is named Ron.
Kung-Fu Dave – Ch.14 caught chasing Ding-Dong through the park. Self-appointed Trailer Park Super Hero. Not very bright – slurs his words. Pimps his sister Ashley for a six pack and a George Strait cassette tape/Some menthols. He follows something he calls the “Ninjetty Code”. He uses attacks he says out loud while he executes them (for extra power) - Judy-Chop, Kung-Fu Chop, Karate Kick and Ninja Chop – careful of ninja chop while karate kick or you WILL hit your leg (his advice)
Uses skoal can and sharp scrap metal as kung fu star. Ashley (Cricket) has a bad dye job of blonde tips and brown hair and what Ted calls a “Butter-face”. She has an adequate body but very saggy tits (with oversized brown nipples). Her green eyes are cross-eyed. She talks with a deep southern accent/valley girl accent. We meet her in Ch. 37 at the mall.
Haislip: April, Justin, Larry and Tawny,
Haislip, April and is naturally a rival of Crystal –introduced in Ch. 14. If every Betty needs her Veronica as a foil – then this is Savannah’s Veronica. They live one street over from Glory Hill. April used to date Ted. She is best described as looking a lot like Linda Carter – the actress who played Wonder Woman. She has a a tattoo of a rock with an American flag and an eagle on her right shoulder
Haislip, Justin AKA “Tyga”, chapter 71 – slightly younger brother to Tawny. Justin fancies himself a rapper and plays a dumb white kid (wigger) routine.
Haislip, Larry – Chapter 7 – An old pervert who gets his truck washed. He likes to feel like he is disciplining a particularly bratty Savannah. He is revealed to Tawny’s grandfather in Ch. 15
Haislip, Tawny – Ch.11 Savannah’s rival, tall, blonde and very buxom. She was briefly mentioned in an earlier chapter when Ted was staring at her at the pool. Ted also stared at Angel another girl at the pool when they drove past.
Hooker, James, Dr. Ch. 31 a character introduced in FFIV and an homage to a fellow author. He is visiting family in the Buckman and stopped to see what was happening at the pool area. He is interested in the girls doing lawn care for his family and may have set it up for the future. He is married to Victoria waxerman (who figured heavily in the Family Feud series) and helps raise her nephews and
niece. They are Jimmy, Gordon and Ezekial with Delilah as “Farty Butt” or Jezebel.
Joleen, Ch. 48 Mysterious woman from Crystal’s past (who looks a bit like her only older) that shows up at the wrestling match. In Ch. 56 we learn that she runs the Teen Detention Center and that Savannah spent two weeks there already. Ray-Ray is her husband/lover and also runs it with her. Joleen is a friend and mentor of Crystal.
See ch. 61 for Savannah’s confession of what happened at the teen detention center. Crystal’s version is that she had to pull a lot of strings/prostitute herself to free her daughter.
Laqwanda and Clymidia – ch. 11 two black teenage cousins who are often fighting. Laqwanda is tall, while Clymidia is stout and thick.
Louise – Chapter 9 - Ted’s Ex-wife and an employee at Rowdys. They have kids together and Ted is naturally delinquent on support for them.
Mean Freckle Faced Boy – Chapter 28 – buys a spot in the “V.I.P” section of the pool area. Owns a supersoaker collection. See also “Skeeter Townley”. He is a hard-core watcher. His name (or possibly a nickname) is Opie although he hates that name.
Methuselah – Chapter 11- Old man who reads from the book of Enoch at the pool party. He is actually Victoria Waxerman (from Family Feud’s older brother and grandfather to her niece and nephews)
Odd-Jobs – Chapter 3: Trailer Park Handy Man, jovial and with a good sense of humor. His real first name is Oliver Jacobi. He is later revealed to often have a number of schemes and plans to make money off the residents – and to keep order in the park. He used to go by “OJ” but after OJ Simpson he does not as frequently. The Odd Jobs character is best described as someone based loosely on Brian Doyle Murray a veteran character actor.
Ch. 16. O.J introduces us to his nephew Ryan. Ryan attends a rival high school of Cherry Lawn the Union County Rams. Ryan’s Easter Egg is that he is the son of Supermarket magnate owner of Jacobi Supermarkets.
Ch. 18 he introduces the three ups – show up, keep up and shut up.
Pastor Gary – Chapter 35 – meet him in porn store. He fell from grace at the local church.
In 61. Ryan is known as Pussy boy, pissy boy, rich boy, or Peter Pud/Peter Pan. Ellen becomes his “girlfriend” and is known as Stinkerbell. They are also called ‘Booty and the Beast’ and other Disney references due to their lofty station.
Ray-Ray, ch. 66 an odd man who went to high school with Daisy (and Ted). He constantly smiles and licks his lips. He is missing the teeth on the side of his face.
Riggins Tim, Billy - Chapter 8 Billy and Tim are handsome young men who live in the Buckman and attend Buckman High. Billy just graduated but Tim is a star player for their football team the Buckman Predators. Glenn Riggins their father and their unnamed mother are both in prison.
Buckman High is officially called “Brigadier General George Gordon High School”. Their team is officially the “Predators”.
Sanderson, - Ch 61. An older neighbor in a fishing hat who has been watching and disapproving of Savannah since she was a little girl.
Shawn – Ch. 15 Friend of Crystals who appears at the end of the chapter. He is wearing a cap that says ‘hurt more deer’ with a fish on it and a blue shirt with a tricycle that reads ‘chicks dig my bike’. He drives an old beat up 78 3/4 ton pickup which suits him since he does scrap iron and new trucks wouldn't look to new after just a few weeks having 5ton magnet slammed in the box picking out the iron.
S.S. - Ch. 16 a giant of a man – he has a flat top hair cut (Which Ted imitates). His name means what you might think it means. He bears a collection of Nazi and racist tattoos and despite looking brutish may have an intelligent and sensitive side. He works for Odd Jobs officially as an assistant maintenance man and an unofficial enforcer.
Car Wash Steve – Ch. 15 – a friend of Odd Jobs who is sent as a plant to check up on the girls. 30ish years old drives a truck. They naturally are not doing what they are supposed to be doing.
Terry – Ch. 15 a transgendered woman with blonde hair and perfect tits – drives a white Bentley. A professional prostitute. Terry was at one time a Running back on the same high school football team and Ted and remembers him as a third-string non-player.
The Leaner – ch. 29 an old man who paid to sit in the V.I.P section but constantly leaned in the most creepy manner against a fence. He looked like TV’s “Larry David” – if you want to google that image. He is a ‘hard core watcher’.
The Wrestler – ch. 29 the wrestler wears a wrestling t-shirt, sweat pants, sweat bands, and headband. He is doughy and out of shape with a blonde afro that looks like shag carpet. He is a ‘hard core watcher’. It is possible that he is in fact Al Snow or Logan Caine –retired from wrestling with some sort of brain injury.
Todd- Chapter 6- A young kid who gets his car washed. He goes to school with the Danvilles. He is later stuck with a bill at Rowdy’s restaurant for the family after they dine and dash.
Townley, Skeeter –Ch.28, Skeeter is head of a very large family of mostly red-headed people, who live in the Buckman. Skeeter is older with a beard and a fishing hat. Skeeter is a mechanic and fan of the phrase “If it has tires or tits you are going to have problems with it.” He and his grandson are considered ‘hard core watchers
Skeeter is rumored to be Ted’s father through another marriage. He was married to Maw-Maw years ago. Maw-Maw is the relative on the Gaylord side of the family and is Junior’s Aunt.
Tyrell – Chapter 3 – A smooth black neighbor who thinks the entire family is crazy. He has a nephew named “Nelly Jr.” who he leaves with the family.
Wayne – Chapter 58 – a 15 year old pimple faced boy who Savannah told “To grow some ball hair before he asks her out”. He works at Krystal as a cashier. Wayne’s friend Flick wears serial killer style glasses, is stocky and rarely speaks – his only line is “in the ass.” The previous year Wayne had pursued a date with Savannah but the family conned him into paying for their meal instead.
Buckman Mall– appebee, wax on, wax off, variety of stores – used to be the central hub until a highway deal missed the town.
Cherry Lawn Regal Mall included upscale places like Starbucks, L&M, Urban Outfitters, Macy’s, Abercrombie and Fitch, Godiva Chocolatiers; and their food court was lined with exotically indulgent or healthy alternatives from California Pizza to Middle Eastern delights. They were bright and the mall was clean and spacious.
Gaylord Fun Land – A theme park owned by Junior’s father (and Ted’s uncle).
Glory Hill – The street the Danvilles live on.
Jacobi Farm (Ch. 55) – Where the older kids (18+) go to party – very exclusive. Savannah jokes that it is a Jacobi farm tradition that at midnight all the girls at the party get blindfolded and lined up naked. Then we are supposed to kneel and suck cocks until we correctly identify which is our boyfriends dick
J Street – a street in the Buckman notorious for prostitution. The trailers are often rented by crack heads and meth dealers.
J MART – an old run-down version of wal-mart or k-mart that sells off-brand merchandise.
Landing Strip – mentioned in Ch.16 is a local strip club where Angel’s sister works. It is next to a tiny local airport.
Pump-N-stump – gas station on route 51. In chapter 41, an unknown author of a letter mentions a daughter who worked there.
Rowdy’s Restaurant – A popular local restaurant where one of Ted’s ex-girlfriend/wives works. The family dined and dashed there and may not be welcome back.
Stop N. Play – Recreation Center: Unofficially known as “The Semen Hole” because it is on Seminole avenue (main street in park) – where the most prestigious double rides are also located.
Teen Detention Center – located in the old animal control building, it is run down and completely dilapidated. It stands right next to the new state of the art “Griffin Animal Rescue” – an easter egg reference from Family Feud.
Hard-Core Watchers – This is a small list of people who are considered “Hard Core Watchers” – who always V.I.P or watch
Skeeter Townley and his Grandson (Opie)
Donger (at times)
Alison and Tawny Haislip might be considered “Hard Core Watchers” as well – but they would not sit in V.I.P.. They remind me of the two old crotchety muppets who sit in the balcony and insist on watching every show but finding constant fault with it.
FIRST SET OF CAR WASH RULES:
1. Say Sir and Ma’am to everyone – even non-customers. Everyone is a potential customer except for Ding Dong and Methuselah (Trailer park crazies)
2. The girls hate to have to touch one another. Therefore they will be standing in the corner you and do it back to back, belly to belly or belly to back touching one another.
3. The girls are to wear bells when standing in the corner – if they jingle or move a muscle they are to be spanked.
4. Act like brats – but hot brats. Make them fall in love with you but don’t let them fall in love with you! You don’t want them to ever feel sorry for you.
5. Don’t trust the girls to go to the bathroom alone – they will waste too much time. Use the men’s bathroom – must be escorted and make sure they wipe.
6. No adjusting the bathing suit once it is on. It is just trying to flash to men.
Prices: 10 dollar hand wash, 20 dollar full wax and 50 dollars Premium service. Tips gladly accepted.
Lunch Prices: 5 dollars for:
1 Hot dog (with mayo or mustard 1 dollar extra) – girls supply the buns.
Handful of grapes
Milk shot- 1 dollar
Mini-Car wash scenarios
-Surly Bitches want a break
-Angry Bitches get jealous and start to argue
-Devious Bitches try to half-ass the job and get caught/break rules.
Bathroom Breaks: Morning and BedTime, 1pm and 4PM.
Buttplug rule: not to come out without permission and only if something else is going into or out of our assholes.
Sweet titty cheesecake- a term used for acting like a slutty ditz.
Sweet dick beefcake – if Lloyd does it.
Enema shows 20 dollars 25 dollars with polaroid
20 dollars for a BJ (finger in butt optional) – Ch. 61
CH. 24 New Rule: “Make my niece show you what she does at home for five dollars with the garden hose” – 5 dollars.
“No punching, and no spitting or scratching in the face. The first girl to pull off all the other girls clothes AND pin her wins!”
Ch. 33 Kisses on mouth 5 dollars, 4 dollars before 10 am. And after 4pm. Hugs are free (first one)
10 dollars a pull from the “Tub o’ learning”
Body Writing 5-10 dollars depending on body part and words.
Hose us down/hit with super-soaker 1 dollar, or 5 dollars to “Hunt us down”
“Tea Service” 10 dollars with Polaroid.
Electro Butt-plugs, with 30 foot range remote control. There are four settings gentle, pamper, hard and punish. USB recharging. It comes with a 2 oz tube of “E-shock” stimulating contact gel for electro sex, improves the contact between electrodes
Ch. 35 –Dominos are used
Top Bitch – Top bitch gets to punish the other bitches, she gets rewarded for telling on the other bitches. Top bitch gets to sleep in the bed, gets to eat the best food, gets to wear what she wants (but she should dress to entertain Ted). Top bitch is the ‘leader’ and can order around the bitches as long as it is does not countermand Ted’s orders.
The Top Bitch gets a larger share of the money earned while she is top bitch.
Regular Bitch – A regular bitch falls in the middle. The higher your pips the more privileges you might have “But don’t expect anything unless humiliation, pain and hardship is what you expect.”
Bottom Bitch – The lowest scoring bitch is going to have it the hardest. She is going to wear a larger butt plug, she is going to eat off the floor, she is going to sleep on the floor, she is going to crawl on the floor, she can be teased by all the other bitches.
The bottom bitch gives up 50% of any money earned to the Top Bitch while she is bottom bitch. This does not affect previous earnings.
Double Jeopardy Ted would be hanging on to our money until Sunday. “Anyone who tries to welch on the bet will lose all their earnings and it will be split up amongst the rest of us. If you want to spend your money between now and then you will come to me and I will decide if you can. “
Savannah – 4 pip
Crystal – 3 pip
Ellen - 3 pip
Lloyd -3 pip
Chapter 36 – Dominos are abandoned in favor of a profit-sharing system. The ‘bitches’ have to wear their percentage on collars marked with the numbers with small plastic dicks/asses/balls/asses.
Chapter 41 – Bowls are introduced and the new eating arrangements (on the floor – hands behind back)
Wurld’s Gretast Mom – Crystal
World’s Greatest son – Lloyd
Top Bitch – Savannah (subject to change – to the Top Bitch
‘I take big stinky shits’ Ellen
Ch. 69 – Conner’s Six Levels of the Female Condition
1 . Bitch –put’s needs before all others, inconsiderate, impatient, jealous, uses sex only to get
others to do as she asks – gives the least possible to get the maximum result.
2. Prude - uses subjective morality to judge other's sexual needs while denying her own.
3.Tease - pretends to be sexual, but physically denies her need to be sexual.
4. Prostitute - negotiates upfront a sexual service(s) for money.
5. Whore - collects services, goods and or money upfront for the promise of sex in the future has few limits.
6. Slut - willingly, wantonly and shamelessly submits to her need to be sexual.
Ch.7 – “Cruise” Florida George Line – Hip Hop Remix – With Nelly
Ch. 8 – “Pour it Up” Rihanna
Ch.9 – “Spiderbaby” White Zombie
Ch. 11 “ You can crash my party anytime” Luke Bryan
Ch. 11 “ Gold” Macklemore
Ch. 11 Adventure Time (Cartoon lyrics)
Ch. 14 “Bands that make her dance” Juicy J
Ch. 15 “Benny and the Jets” Elton John
Ch. 15 “White Trash Beautiful” Everlast
Ch. 15 “Sweet Home Alabama” Alabama
Ch. 17 “You shook me all night long” AC/DC
Ch. 18 “Royals” – Lorde
Ch. 19 “Baby Got Back” – Sir Mix-A lot
Ch. 22 “Old flame can’t hold a candle to you” – Dolly Parton
Ch. 23 “The Man in Black” – Johnny Cash
Ch. 23 “Every Sperm is Sacred” – Monty Python
Ch. 25 “C.R.E.A.M” (Cash Rules Everything Around Me) – Wu Tang Clan
Ch. 25 “Beer with Jesus” – Thomas Rhett
Ch. 27 “Come on and Dance” – Motley Crue
Ch. 28 “Joker” – Steve Miller Band
Ch. 28 “Paradise City” Guns N. Roses
Ch. 30 “Play that Funky Music” White Cherry
Ch. 32 “Danger Zone” Kenny Loggins
Ch. 33 “Lucky Star” Madonna
Ch. 33 “Jessie’s Girl” Rick Springfield
Ch. 39 “Girl’s Just Wanna Have Fun” Cindi Lauper
Ch, 39 “In the Air Tonight” Phil Collins (parody)
Ch 43 “She is a Beauty” The Tubes
Ch. 44 “Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts” Conner
Ch. 54 Justin Moore “Lettin the Night Roll”
Ch. 63 “Born in East L.A.” Cheech Marin
Ch. 66 “Jamie’s Cryin’” Van Halen
Ch. 67 “Beer song” Weird Al
Ch. 70 “The Trees” Rush
Ch. 70 “One Bad Bitch” Maino featuring Yo Gotti and Trina
Ch. 70 “Hell’s Bells” AC/DC
I would love to read an erotic story that is about a Trailer Park family for Christmas - where they have the whole week off together and relatives come over.
I'd also like to read one that is just a letter to Santa Claus from a horny teenage boy.
Last year you did not send me that Carrera official Life-Like Off-Road Racers ATV Electric Slot Car Race Set that I asked for but that is okay. This year I would like to see my sisters boobies.
Let me tell you why.
(and it goes on from there)